"Losing Her Mind"
(Cont. "Forever a Friend" by Lorraine)
=====
Setting: USS Anubis, Sickbay
Stardate: 32002.0840
"What did you *do*?" Doctor Doyanne asked Selyara as she administered a hypospray of something or other to Shar'El's neck. Doyanne seemed to think it was very important, but Selyara couldn't exactly see why.
"I really don't know how to explain it," Selyara was as worried as the crowd of people that stood around Shar'El's bed, though for very different reasons. Selyara was worried that if she accidentally damaged one of Koniki's favorites he would be angry and call her deal off, worried that it would reflect badly on her abilities, and worried that her relationship with the rest of the crew would worsen further and she'd become a scapegoat. She also felt uncomfortable because she wasn’t entirely sure that she hadn’t taken liberties with Shar’El’s talents that had lead to her condition. It had been so intoxicating, being able to cast her mind through the vastness of space, and somewhat terrifying, realizing of all the *things* she could do if that power was hers, permanently. The things she could do… Selyara reined in her thoughts and frowned. "I suppose let’s go for ancient technology analogies. I'm the modem, I'm able to send and recieve vast amounts of information, but I have to be directly plugged in to whatever I'm trying to communicate with. I used Shar'El as a wireless router so that I could communicate with the Lokustaar, even though I wasn't touching it. Once I made contact, I-” Selyara waved her hand around uselessly, trying to come up with words, “sort of plunged my- her? I’m hazy on how that bit worked- mind into the center of the ship and scrambled it. I disrupted the impulses going through it like an electromagnet on an ancient computer. I don’t know the mechanics of it, and I don’t think there’ll be much in your databases. I’m not sure if it’s a very common technique to touch telepaths, or if it’s unique to me.”
Maya had arrived and was looking on with interest. Selyara had a pretty good idea of what she’d suggest, and was prepared to say no. She wasn’t keen on having her talents picked apart by the scientist, and was not in the frame of mind to truly appreciate what would no doubt be an extended explanation. There was also the danger that having that data would give someone, somewhere, sometime, the ability to neutralize her abilities. More specifically, Admiral Koniki.
She wasn’t keen to give him something else to hold over her head and she didn’t want to run the chance of damaging another member of the crew.
“I think that we need to hook you and a test subject up to some monitors and bioscanners and have you do exactly what you did to the Lokustaar while we’re monitoring. Shar’El’s body is stable for now, so I think if we figure out what you did, that will be our best chance of fixing this, since it’s clearly something mental, not physical.”
“No.” Selyara jumped in. “Absolutely not. First of all, you don’t want me to do what I did to the Lokustaar, that one is permanent, second of all, I will not endanger another of you crew, and third, no, I do not wish to have my mind dissected by you.”
Selyara felt a sudden hand on her arm. She jerked it away and turned to pin the owner of the hand with an icy stare. It was the counselor, Nicole.
“Listen, I know you feel guilty about Shar’El’s condition, and I know you’re scared that you might injure someone else,” the counselor said, her voice soothing, “but no one blames you, and they know you won’t hurt anyone on purpose. This may be Shar’El’s last chance, and anyone who volunteers to be the test subject will be doing so with full knowledge of the possible ramifications. Just like Shar’El did.”
“I’m not scared, and I absolutely do not feel bad about any of this situation!” Selyara spluttered. “Fine. Hook me up to the sensors, and find someone willing to be my guinea pig, and I’ll do it.”
It might have been her imagination, but she thought she saw the counselor smile slightly to herself. Selyara’s eyes narrowed, getting the distinct idea she’d just been played.
“Oh, I know someone who’d be pleased as punch to help out,” the Engineer, Sonja said suddenly from where she stood with ANI. She whispered something to the AI, and the shimmer of a transporter filled a space near one of the biobeds. Jayson Stark stood there, blinking in confusion. Sonja smiled, treacly sweet at the man. “Jayson, we’ve got a little problem here- Shar’El is ill, and we need your help to try and figure out a way to treat her.”
The man eyed the redhead as though he was wondering what sort of fresh hell she was going to visit on him, then looked over to Shar’El’s motionless body. He sighed, and nodded his assent.
“So what exactly have I said yes to?” he asked warily as he watched Doyaenne and her nurses hook equipment up to Selyara’s head. He looked a little uneasy, and Selyara guessed that it was likely because he found her unsettling, untrustworthy, and as Raxl would have put it ‘creepy.’ She tried to flash him a reassuring smile to ramp down the creepy factor, but from the look on his face, it was entirely unsuccessful.
“They need to figure out what’s gone wrong in Commander Shar’El’s brain, so they want to see exactly what happens in my brain when I do what I did to the ship following us, as well as what happens to the recipient of, oh let’s call it my ‘thinkstrike’ it has a nice ring to it. I’m going to touch you, then reach into your mind and cause it to reboot. I’m sure it won’t be pleasant, and I’m not sure exactly what the side effects are, but you won’t suffer permanent damage, and I will be as gentle as possible.”
Stark did not look convinced, but she saw him glance briefly at Sonja. Selyara surmised that he was weighing how undesirable this test would be with the fact that if he didn’t go through with it his lack of courage would no doubt be instantly relayed to Ya’Han, the object of his convoluted affection. She almost felt bad for him.
When Doyanne gave the okay, Selyara peeled off her gloves, and reached one finger out to touch him in the center of his forehead. His hand would have done fine, but it was so much more pleasingly dramatic to do it this way. She felt the rush of the connection, her mind reaching out to find that nexus in the center of his mind where all his voluntary actions came from. She focused her mind into a point, and punched the nexus with precision. It flickered out, and she reached down to catch the man as he crumpled. She lowered him gently onto the ground by his wrist. She paused for a moment, and then reached back in and implanted a thought in his mind **Talk to Ya’Han, be honest, no macho crap. Apologize. Even if you think you’re in the right.**
The man deserved SOMETHING for letting himself be used as a laboratory rat. The nurses rushed over and moved him to a biobed, scanning him as they went.
“So, Doctor?” Selyara walked up behind the doctor and the Shillan scientist. “Did you get what you needed?”
“It’s fascinating!” the science officer said, her eyes glinting in excitement. “Look here, here, and here, when you touch him you sync up your nervous systems, and your alpha, beta, and gamma brain waves and all the electrical impulses align, and then here, bam! Your nervous system discharges a very specific and concentrated burst of electrical activity, which basically disrupts his. It’s kind of like the psionic equivalent of an electrical eel. You know I wonder if-”
“Maya, a more concise explanation would be preferable. If you really want, and can actually find someone willing to let me do this again, then I’ll be happy to let you run some experiments to your heart’s content. AFTER we’ve fixed the problem with Shar’El.” Selyara cut her off pointedly. The woman didn’t seem offended.
“Right. Sorry. So, we’re guessing that when you did what you did to the Lokustaar ship, it was far more drastic than what you did to Jayson, right?”
“Yes. I permanently disrupted its nervous system, such as it is.”
“That would have taken much more energy, wouldn’t it?”
“I assume so.”
“And you funneled all of it through Shar’El’s brain, because you had to use her mind to make the connection with the ship. Not to mention it would have been boosted because of the neurotransmitters the Doctor gave you.” She waited for Selyara to nod. “Well, I think you might have accidentally done a slightly more drastic version of what you did to Jayson to her when you used her as a conduit.”
“Only because I wasn’t targeting her, it wasn’t a precision, focused action like with Mr. Stark,” Selyara nodded, catching her drift. “Furthermore, it wasn’t intended to work on a humanoid mind, so her mind didn’t start back up properly, as it is with Mr. Stark.”
“Exactly. Somewhere, something in her mind got stuck and just isn’t turning back on in the way it should, so her mind has basically shut down, because it keeps getting an error message.”
“There is… Also a possibility that some bit of the Lokustaar’s consciousness may have accidentally been pulled back into the Commander’s mind when I retreated. I have noticed that minds are sticky things. When you go into them, you often come back out with bits floating in your head, and you have to force them out, or they will drive you distraction,” Selyara said slowly.
“Maybe if you perform a second mind meld with her, you’d be able to reset and fix whatever connection or bit got broken by the psionic overload, and see if you can find anything that doesn’t belong and get rid of them?” Doyanne suggested. “It does seem to be a problem unfixable by medicine.”
“I’m afraid I cannot,” Selyara said uncomfortably under their scrutiny. She felt put on the spot, forced to share her weaknesses where she rather wouldn’t, but they were waiting for an answer. She sighed. “I don’t understand other people’s emotions. I lack empathy, as you no doubt have noticed. I understand them in as much as I need to in order to, erm, manipulate people, but I don’t really *understand* what drives them anymore, and my mind certainly isn’t very- What I mean to say is, I very much doubt that I would be able to even recognize what’s wrong, much less fix it.”
Nic had been very intensely watching the interaction between Doyanne, Maya, and Selyara. She stepped forward and cut in: “Hear me out. I think there’s a way to make this work, to help Shar’El.”
“How?”
“A double mind-meld. Director Chen would mind meld with one of us, to then allow our entry into Shar’El’s mind. We need to reconnect whatever it is that became disconnected during their experience with the Lokustaar. She’s lost, and we need to find her.”
Selyara flexed her hands. “That’s risky,” was all she could think of to say, despite the fact that it was a reasonably gross understatement.
“Of course it is. But you are more than capable of setting this up, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” she affirmed grudgingly. The Vulcan/Betazed woman looked around Sickbay, searching the concerned faces, then focusing back on Nicole’s. “Then, who would you suggest be sent on this endeavor?”
“I volunteer to go, Selyara. Actually, I insist.” Her expression had a twinge of fear, but her blue eyes were unwavering.
“Even with the potential danger?”
Ensign Dima nodded. “I’m not unfamiliar with... loss. The symbiont has had to let go of four lives before mine, and I carry those memories with me. In a sense, I know I will continue after this body does not.” The diminutive counselor glanced over to Shar’El. “My family insisted I wait until the Neo-Essentialist threat was overcome before I could complete my education and be assigned to a ship. Securing the mental well-being of the crew isn’t just a job description, it’s a personal mission statement, a mandate. This is why I’m here.”
“Fine. Let’s get started then.”
Sonja brought a chair to Shar’El’s bedside, and the counselor sat down, with Selyara standing next to her. The two women readied themselves, with Nicole taking a deep breath and the Section 31 head relaxing her shoulders and stretching her arms. Ensign Dima leaned in, her fingers cradling Shar’El’s head, and Selyara’s bare hands prepared to make contact with the joined Trill’s temples.
Sely looked up once more to see that the CMO was prepared, and she seemed to be, as did all the other onlookers. With that, she touched Nicole, then began to filter their minds together.
Even though neither of them were speaking, Dima thought she heard the echoed voice of Selyara, disembodied in her subconscious. *My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts*. Then, her snyapses blazed with the light of a thousand suns, and everything went plunging into darkness.
=====
Scene: Mindscape
Stardate: 32002.0955, maybe.
Darkness. Twisting into a gray blur. Nicole reached her hands in front of her, but there was nothing. She shuddered as she fought to stabilize her breathing, Her heartbeat was rapid.
She touched her face, making sure her eyes were open (which they were), even though all that lay in front of her was a charcoal fog. Nic felt herself stifle a laugh; she was not in a corporeal world. None of these things were real, except in her own mind; Her body and all its functions were still in Sickbay.
*Where is Shar’El?* she thought to the haze.
Nobody answered, but after a pause, there was a faint glow ahead that had not been there seconds earlier. The Counselor began walking in that direction, and the mists fell like layers of gossamer curtains as she proceeded.
Nothingness began to materialize into a rough hewn cavern, Nicole could feel the rough, spongy igneous rock under her hands as the passageway narrowed to an arched entry point, some sort of ambient light drawing her forward.
A few steps later, Nicole was now in a cave with a ceiling about twelve feet high and a graceful but imperfect domed shape. Most of the floor of the cave, except for some wide walking paths, was covered with shallow pools carved from the same rock that comprised the materials of the cave. It was these pools, filled with a milky incandescent liquid, that illuminated the space.
The place was instantly familiar to the Counselor- it was a replica of the home of the Trill symbionts, where they lived and communicated with each other while waiting to be joined. She could see the worm-like creatures wriggling, sending electrical impulses to each other through the protein-rich medium. This caused a random pattern of light spots to wax and wane, like fireflies in a hazy sky.
“Welcome,” a male voice said, and Nicole saw a middle aged Trill man wearing the clothes of a Guardian, a keeper of the sentient vermiform lifeform pools.
“Where is Shar’El?” she asked.
“The time for the Rite of Emergence is at hand. Prepare yourself, Nicole Organa.” He’d used her pre-joined last name for some reason.
“I don’t understand,” she protested. “I need to find Shar’El. I was sent here under unusual circumstances to help her find her way back- I don’t see how this will assist her.”
“Since we are the only two here, I will conduct the embodiment of one of the former hosts of the Dima symbiont.” It was like he was ignoring her plea.
Nic sighed and tried to submit to what was happening, even though her concern was for Shar’El, not herself. She fidgeted as the ritual began. It was designed to allow an individual host to assert themselves and bring forth their memories and personality.
The timbre of the Guardian’s voice changed, and his stance softened. “Salutations, Nicole. It is E’Lynda, the second host of the Dima symbiont.”
“Greetings, E’Lynda. What brings you here, now?”
“I could tell you were afraid in Sickbay.”
Nicole bristled. “No, I wasn’t. I was concerned.”
Laughter echoed through the cave. “You can’t lie to me, little one. I know the last time you were in a Starfleet Sickbay, things didn’t go as planned.”
“That’s a strange way of saying it.”
E’Lynda did not respond directly to Nicole’s comment. “Starbase 283 was nearly complete. While Jessan and Nate were readying our quarters, I went to survey the Science Lab and Hydroponics area. Being a department head aboard the station was an honor and a privilege, and I wasn’t about to squander that opportunity.” Like many joined Trill, E’Lynda was educationally accomplished, with two degrees and an intense desire to improve the places she lived and worked.
“But there was a problem,” Nicole uttered.
“Final inspections weren’t yet complete, and one of the crossbeams supporting the overhead of the Hydroponics wing wasn’t properly installed. The support came tumbling down on me. My legs were crushed.”
“You were losing a lot of blood.”
E’Lynda bowed her head solemnly. “Yes, I was. I remember alarms going off, weaving in and out of consciousness, and maybe a few minutes later the medics came for me with an anti-grav stretcher. Sickbay was only one deck away.”
“It might as well have been a thousand.” Nicole was angry and disgusted at the futility, knowing this was the past and unchangeable.
“Two Doctors and a Nurse worked for the next several hours to stabilize me and the symbiont. However, they were only halfway successful.”
The newest host closed her eyes, tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. She could still see E’Lynda’s son Nate, just six years old, clinging to his father’s jacket, trying to be strong as one of the Doctors told them there was nothing more they could do other than save Dima. “I know,” she said softly.
“The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave my husband and son behind.” Trill society frowned on maintaining close contact with family after the symbiont was joined with another host.
Nicole sank to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably. The weight of E’Lynda’s loss all those years ago still weighed heavily on the symbiont, and in turn on her as she remembered the event through her host’s own eyes. “I am sorry for your sacrifice. I won’t forget. Ever.”
“Carrina never forgot,” E’Lynda said, somehow pulling on Dima’s whole history. “And yet, knowing you were studying for a career in Starfleet, she chose you to carry on the legacy. I’m still not sure why she did that.”
“Maybe to remind me how badly I wanted it. And to not give up on my dreams even though they are difficult. But, really, this is not the time. Our ExO is missing, or rather her mental essence, and I need to locate it.”
“It will be alright.” A woman’s hand reached out to comfort her, squeezing her on the shoulder. “I’m here now.”
The petite Ensign slowly turned and blinked. Shar’El was next to her, a knowing look on her face. “Thank you for bringing me here, Nicole.”
The Counselor stood up, grateful. “But I didn’t. The Guardian side-tracked me.” She pointed to the man that had been there, but he was gone. So were the pools and the cave. The area around them was black and shapeless once more.
“No,” Shar’El answered. “The memory was strong. Strong enough to lead me from wherever I was, to wherever I am now. The Lokustaar are nothing but dark whispers, prying eyes. Even as their energy was scrambled, I could not find a way out. But your memories were encompassing a different energy. I could sense it. I could guide myself to it.”
“But how would I have been drawn to that particular event?” The Counselor was confused. She had intimate knowledge of all the hosts, including this, although she and E’Lynda had never discussed it in exactly that way before.
“More importantly, how are you here?”
“Oh. Selyara helped-” cognizance filled Nicole’s face. The older woman’s abilities were off the charts. It was possible she didn’t understand people, but she understood how to search for information in the channels of the mind and pluck the best bits. And she knew the Ullian would be searching too.
Shar’El smiled, grasping both of Nicole’s hands with her own. “Let’s go home.”
=====
Alix Fowler
Selyara Chen
Director
Section 31
and
Susan Ledbetter
Chief Counselor
USS ANUBIS NCC-18501